Pregame Prep: Texans

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With our Dude still…um…distracted (I swear I had nothing to do with it! And anyway, I was in another state at the time. Whatever time that was.), I thought I’d dust off his old column, just for luck.

So, presuming you remember the last season – and if you don’t, let the rookies learn on their own, just like you had to – I will presume that by now some of your friends have forgiven you and you’ve made some more friends to fill enough of the losses. For those of you who still have contact with the monkey and/or the bear, enlist their assistance, by all means, but if not you’d better have improved on your friend total.

What you will need:

  • Someone who is willing to spread the news that there’s going to be a pot luck gathering at your address. This checks off the tailgating arrangements.
  • 2-3 5gal. bottles of Bert’s HQV
  • Mechanical bull (operator optional)
  • BHQV-rated shot glasses for 150% of your planned actual prep party guests (as opposed to the potluck “guests”) or enough ordinary shot glasses it takes to match. No, wait. Wait! “to provide a like number of serving-uses”, don’t let anyone near the Bert’s with a match. That voids all liability claims.
  • Shovels for all your friends, or secure the use of a backhoe. Whichever you can get them to provide.
  • Enough cold beer to provide 2 to each of your friends. Show how generous you are and buy the cheapest possible, but pay for it yourself. It’s literally the least you could do.
  • Effigies of Bill O’Brien (The Texans fans will be more forgiving of you when you razz them about the voodoo you worked with your pregame prep that way)

Once the potluck is well underway, use the cover of the gossips “whispering” secrets at 90dB to dig a pit in your planned party location. Be sure to keep moving around to make sure everyone’s glass stays refilled as often as possible, but stop when there’s about a quart left in there, and set aside somewhere fireproof.

When the pit’s deep enough, throw in the ceremonial bull. If the optional operator’s involved has gotten blackout drunk by then, have someone hire a taxi to drop him off anonymously at the nearest ER. If not, wait until he stumbles into the pit. If he doesn’t stumble back out, it’s not my fault, you should have taken better precautions. Safety precautions, you know.

Toss the mostly-empty BHQV bottle down onto the mechanical bull, smashing the glass to prevent a potential explosion, and have someone toss in a match. If you’ve still got the monkey hanging around and have been providing him his fair share of the Bert’s, he’d be the ideal choice, otherwise, I’m sure one of your friends will be about that drunk.

Toss all the potluck trash and debris into the inferno, then go watch the Chiefs win on whichever TV is the closest surviving one!

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09/10/2020 5:37 pm

The monkey guzzled the last quart of Bert’s, then whizzed into the pit. Even that was flammable enough that the fire department showed up.

09/10/2020 12:56 pm

Also waaayy more ice than you think you’ll need.
Applies for hurricanes, second degree burns, etc…

09/10/2020 12:51 pm

The monkey won’t even reply to my texts,
think he’s avoiding me..

Reply to  BleedingRedAndGold
09/10/2020 1:50 pm

he’s making new friends..comment image

Reply to  pompano
09/10/2020 2:01 pm

Smart monkey. Play stupid.

Reply to  pompano
09/10/2020 2:34 pm

Awwwh! Her and Orlando Bloom’s baby is beautiful! So cute!

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