New England Fined 3rd Round Pick, Receive Cookie For Cheating.

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A satirical look at some recent news.

A local Boston paper reports the New England Patriots have been simultaneously fined and rewarded for their part in a cheating scandal.*  When questioned  about the fines/rewards for cheating, Rodger Goodell was quoted as saying, “Yes, New England has been fined a 3rd round pick for their involvement in filming and recording another team’s(the Bengals) activities. Staff under the employment of, but not a part of the New England coaching staff were involved in the incident.”

The latter part of Goodell’s statement has been stressed by Boston papers and radio stations as “a clear indication of an NFL conspiracy to frame the Patriots.” The conspiracy is described as consisting of Bengal fans or organization spending the last several decades infiltrating the town of Boston as well as the Patriots organization to frame them for a crime they didn’t commit. One local media outlet points out a key piece of evidence stating, “What else has the Bengals’ organization been spending it’s time on the last several years, (be)cause they definitely haven’t been game planning or scouting.”

Goodell further commented on the the tapes found, ” The footage included the Bengal’s sidelines, where signals could be recorded, meeting rooms, bathroom stalls, and there was even a locker room ground floor tape just of players’ feet, labeled ‘To Rex. For everything after 2010′.”

Upon being asked how he determined the punishment for the Pats Goodell responded, “After a lengthy investigation and an even longer discourse between myself and the other two members of the disciplinary committee, Bill and Robert, we decided that a punishment was needed and removal of a third round pick was a fair price.”

Goodell would later go on to explain why a harsher punishment was not handed out to the repeat offenders, “to my recollect there is no indication that Robert Kraft, Bill Belichick, or anyone in the Pats’ organization have a history of breaking the sacred rules of the NFL, nor is there any indication that the Patriots have used these tactics to gain an advantage over any other team outside of the Bengals. To me, it stands to reason that the filming of signals was used solely against Cincinnati, a team that ended up with the first pick in the draft, and least likely to need an advantage against. Logic would reason that New England would gain no benefit in the illegal filming of quality teams such as the Chiefs, Titans, or Dolphins. To be frank, this type of punishment is ceremonial at best. I would prefer to not punish them at all for an archaic rule. I’d compare this violation to greasing up a team’s jersey or paying players under the table, rules which neither helps nor hurts any teams involved. This isn’t something that butchers the sanctity of the game after after all. This isn’t something like talking to a player a day or two before free agency opens. That would be met by much harsher and more severe punishment.”

Rodger continue his explanation when further pressed about why the Patriots were rewarded as well. “Rewarded? Oh, you mean the cookie, yes.  Well I feel the Patriots have had an extremely difficult year between losing their quarterback, not receiving a bye week, and silently exiting the playoffs. I would feel absolutely terrible for punishing the golden child simply because I have to. So upon notification of the the punishment I also sent them a delectable treat, I believe the children call it a ‘Newton’. I wanted New England to know even without Brady the Patriots are still my favorite child.” Goodell stated while looking longingly at a picture of Patrick Mahomes II.

Patriots fans and media have indeed taken a liking to Goodell’s good-standing “cookie”, stating that Newton will help them reclaim their Championship, while simultaneously prove that Brady is the Goat, and had no offensive weapons last year.

*2019, Added for clarification purposes

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07/02/2020 4:45 pm

for the pats…
comment image

07/02/2020 1:41 pm

The sad part is that if Newton moves on to another team next year, the Patriots will likely get a third round comp pick. So really no punishment at all.

07/02/2020 12:57 pm

A Newton is not a cookie. It’s fruit and cake

Reply to  Leaf
07/02/2020 12:58 pm

They’re not even good either.

Reply to  Fire_FG_the_moron
07/02/2020 2:09 pm

They are when you’re high!

Reply to  Mitko
07/02/2020 3:17 pm

Are you showing me the box to show that it says cookie on it? Because if you are, you aren’t cool enough to understand my reference.

Reply to  Mitko
07/02/2020 5:09 pm

Welcome to the cool kids

07/02/2020 12:57 pm

Truthful satire in the sense of Goodell pandering to Kraft. Makes one wonder if Kraft panders to Goodell with trips to massage parlors in Florida that produce happy endings.

07/02/2020 12:43 pm

I am glad you clarified which year. I wasn’t sure which time you were referring to.

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