Thirsty Thursday: Remembering The Good Times

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Well, this is awkward!

So first, I apologize you’re welcome for my brief absence. Life comes at you fast, and if I had some kind of inspirational or motivational way to finish that thought in order to provoke some sort of intellectual discourse with you, I would end it that way. Alas, I do not.

But I decided (with some serious consequences on the line) to go ahead and dry out for a while. It was — and is — for the best, and honestly I feel great about it! I’ve lost weight, spent more time with the family, work is getting better … et cetera. See? I can even spell et cetera now!

So with that said, it makes it a bit difficult to be the guy in charge of writing a feature titled “Thirsty Thursday.” However, if I was able to fake it through community college, surely I can do the same here …

That being the case, I’ve decided that this week I will harken back to some of my favorite pastime beverages!

Dave’s Marine Corps Special

There were many, many, many, many, many, many … many alcoholic beverages I indulged in back in the glory days of being young enough to do so whilst also maintaining a grand physique. In fact, we used to play a game when we went out to the bars that went a little something like this:

Me and two buddies had iPhone 3’s with a bartender app installed. This app had something like 300 different shot suggestions programmed in it. At each bar, you went in a circle and picked the next guys shot — and the direction changed at the next bar, and the next, and so on.

You could be NICE, and make your buddy take something simple like a ‘Sex On The Beach’ or a ‘Surfer On Acid,’ or you could be MEAN … and we typically always chose to be mean.

So one night I’m out with my buddies Stinson and David Stout. The eve was young, and the sobriety was high, so the games begun. We started off slamming the usual 3 or 7 beers to lay the groundwork for the occasion, when Stinson piped up: “Game time, bitches!”

I’m already natural ornery, but this night I was even more so. Quick background — Stout didn’t come out drinking with us very often. This was mainly due to the fact that at the time we were consuming more alcohol than Lemmy from Motorhead, but also he was a bit more ‘straight-laced’ than we were. See where this is going?

So Stinson chooses my shot, and it wasn’t pure grain alcohol or 10W-40, so I barely winced. Now it was my turn to choose for Stout.

My options were narrowed down to two choices. The one I decided AGAINST was called a ‘Redneck Paradise,’ and the ingredients were legitimately “1) bars cheapest wine, 2) bars cheapest beer, 3) bars cheapest vodka.” I thought better of it, though. That was too easy.

So I opted for door number two: Starry Night. For those unaware, the ingredients (at the time anyway) were a 50/50 mix of Jägermeister and milk.


Needless to say, after ol’ Stout evacuated his entire stomach contents all over the bar floor, we were asked — not so nicely — to get the %$#@ out.

The Ol’ Switcheroo

The name for this prank isn’t exactly fitting, but I was young, drunk, and … well, still dumb, so this is the name it got.

After my first deployment to Iraq I became what is known in the infantry as “a senior Marine.” Basically all this meant was that the new guys (“Boots”) had to show me respect ‘as an elder.’ It’s kind of a stupid concept, but whatever.

I was also named a Squad Leader, and when we got our first “Boot Drop” (meaning the first batch of new guys joined our unit) I was assigned my Marines.

I was not a nice person back then. Don’t get me wrong, there were worse guys than me, some of MY “seniors” when I was a boot for example, but I was still learning what true leadership was. Of course, that leadership didn’t emerge until much after The Switcheroo became a thing …

So I would take my Marines out all night, buy their beers and tequila, make sure they were nice and wasted, cross-eyed, the whole gambit. I would even buy the taxi and get us all back safely on base.

All of this was done under the guise that I promised them we wouldn’t P.T. the next day. “Don’t worry, guys,” I would say, “no running tomorrow. See? I’m drinking too!”

And indeed I would drink. I’d keep up with every beer and every shot they took. I would get us back to the barracks around 3 or 4 in the morning. I would walk them to their rooms.

And then at 0500, I would be right back, banging away and shouting at them to get their asses up and in P.T. gear, it was time for a run.

I would run those boys however far and long it took until each and every one of them threw their guts up. And it was always followed by, “how are you doing this, Lance Corporal?! You drank just as much as we did!”

Here’s the trick — before we would go out, I’d slip our Corpsman $20. After I saw them off to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, I would hop right over to his room and he would hook me up to a bag or two of saline (depending on how drunk I was) and I would snack on some crackers/pretzels while it was administered. An hour or so later, I was back to 100% normal — and the chaos would then ensue.

So for months these guys thought I was a living legend until I finally told them how I did it right before we deployed to Afghanistan. Needless to say, they did not find it as funny as I did …

What are YOU drinking tonight?

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06/04/2020 3:46 pm

When I was at DLI, during our Marine detachment runs, there was always one guy who was one of those high-speed recon types who filled his camelbak with vodka.

06/04/2020 2:28 pm

Figgers, just when I could use the help of a Marine who’s an expert in operating while tanked, to go down to my in-laws and play along as they drank themselves under the table, per their normal routine. That would be the perfect time for someone with a high commitment to honor and a vastly superior character to teach them the facts of life.
It’s like that very last story was his way of twisting the knife – or perhaps the broken beer bottle. But I can’t hate, that’s what makes him the perfect candidate for this. Well, that and how they’d overlook a lot about him, from what I hear about his height, but that’s an asset in this, too. “Family first”, OMFG.

06/04/2020 12:38 pm

Good work on the dry spell, Dave! It takes a strong man to be able to do that.
Oooh, the stories I have of drinking in the Navy!
Sometimes during PT I’d be overwhelmed by the sickly smell of alcohol oozing out of people. I was a little bit of a light-weight, but some of those guys were absolute nutballs.
More than once, I’d go to bed while some of my bros were partying outside. I’d wake up mid-morning to look outside, to see the same guys doing a pushup contest next to a very large pile of empty beer cans, still going.
I’ve got much much wilder stories that I’m afraid the internet is too innocent to be able to handle. ???

Reply to  MasterChief
06/04/2020 3:47 pm

Oh the Navy and the Marines can get into some damn heavy drinking contests. Rum rations and Tun Tavern make for a hell of a tradition.

Severely Concussed
Severely Concussed
06/04/2020 12:00 pm

My family is thoroughly enjoying my Lynchburg Lemonades recipe.

In a gallon pitcher pour:

Half a cup of Makers Mark (or more if you like it stiffer)
Half a cup of lemon juice
Half a cup of triple sec liqour (not the syrup)
Whole two liter of 7up

Gentle stir and serve over ice with a lemon slice.

Great summertime beverage.

Reply to  Severely Concussed
06/04/2020 12:06 pm

Sounds good except for Makers Mark which I hate so i’ll sub something else

06/04/2020 8:26 am

1971, sitting in a house of ill repute bar in Olongapo, Philippines, I ordered the local beer. It arrived in an almost clean glass and upon closer inspection, I noticed there was some teeny tiny somethings swimming around and enjoying themselves in the frothy pool. After contemplating this for all of 1/2 second I downed the glass and ordered another 4 or 5. To this day I wish I could get another
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06/04/2020 7:27 am

Been a long time since I tended bar, but my recollection of a Starry Night is a 50/50 of Jaeger and Goldschlager. Much better in my eyes than your version

Reply to  Dave
06/04/2020 8:15 am

I found that the names could often be regional. Completely agree on the milk

Severely Concussed
Severely Concussed
Reply to  Beachbeard
06/04/2020 12:37 pm

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