In my household, we have switched from coffee to green tea because it’s “healthier for us.” I’m totally sure it’s offsetting the liberal amounts of yard beer and whiskey I’m ingesting. Just kidding, it’s a total waste of time.
Speaking of a total waste of time:
Cardinals: Apparently Josh Rosen’s Instagram was hacked and all photos referencing the team were deleted — most likely by someone using the pseudonym “Clifford Queensbury.“
Falcons: Atlanta fans ponder the possibility of trading for Justin Houston, because what’s the sense of having Bob Sutton without giving him someone he is familiar with misusing?
Panthers: Carolina doesn’t have anyone to place a franchise tag on, Ron Rivera wonders if he can use it on himself …
Bears: Local Chicago media outlets are swooning over three potential kickers from the Combine, because, well … why wouldn’t they be?
Cowboys: Much the same way America views Jason Garrett as a coach, the offer Dallas extended DeMarcus Lawrence “wasn’t considered serious.”
(Cowboys BONUS): After hearing of Jason Witten’s departure from the booth, the Monday Night Football crew has opted to replace him with a slightly damp bathroom mop, which tested better in focus groups.
Lions: Supposedly, Damon Harrison “joked” with Landon Collins about joining him in Detroit, and after seeing their defense, that’s exactly how Collins took it.
Packers: Green Bay is reportedly looking to raise ticket prices in 2019, most likely to prepare for Aaron Rodgers’ next yearly-scheduled medical bill.
Rams: Los Angeles has released Mark Barron, as well as declining C John Sulliver’s option, trying to cut their spending before the League realizes there should’ve been no way for them to afford all those high-end players last season …
Vikings: Minnesota ponders bringing in Michael Crabtree as a WR3, because it’s really kind of pointless bringing in any kind of talent with Kirk Cousins, amiright?
Saints: Gayle Benson, owner of the New Orleans Saints, was given a “Saints Were Robbed” trophy during Mardi Gras, proving pettiness dies slower than the League’s reaction to bad officiating.
Giants: It appears that New York fans are pretty peeved at allowing Landon Collins to walk, which demonstrates Dave Gettleman’s exceptional ability at making them forget they still have Eli Manning.
Eagles: Philadelphia GM Howie Roseman is making moves to create cap room, obviously hoping he can sign Nick Foles and retain a chance at the playoffs …
49ers: Basically every article about this team is centered on the draft, and frankly, there really isn’t much else to talk about with them anyway — until Garoppolo bags another adult film star, that is.
Seahawks: Seattle places the franchise tag on Frank Clark, who also holds the award for “most Caucasian name in the National Football League.”
Buccaneers: Tampa Bay signs OT Donovan Smith to a lucrative 3-year deal, apparently intending to give Jameis Winston more time to suck farts publicly under center.
Redskins: Washington media laments the fact that they still don’t have an obvious quarterback option, but honestly … did they ever?