Fan Prep: Chiefs vs Faiders Director’s Cut

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The Dude gets you ready for an AFC West match up between the Chiefs and Raiders/

So this year has a feel of déjà vu to it.  Last year before the bye we faced one of the Los Angles teams the week before the bye in a game that was supposed to be played in Mexico City.  This year we faced another Los Angles team in a game that was supposed to be played in Mexico City as well.  The difference is that we actually faced the Chargers this year in Mexico City.  So the entire Mexico City Los Angles thing played out as it was supposed to this year.  The next item that is the same as last year is the team we will be facing after the bye.  The mighty battery-throwing Faiders.

Since last year’s fan prep worked out so well and this entire three weeks has that feeling of déjà vu attached to it I will go forward and repeat, with a few edits for safety reasons last year’s fan prep.  The added plus is that last year’s fan prep is hidden from almost everyone so you won’t even know it’s a repeat.  I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that as you would have never known it was a repeat.

With that said, let’s not call it a repeat.  Since I will be doing some edits we can call it a remake, or even a Director’s Cut.

Back to prep time.  Here are the steps I took.

  1.  Google a picture of the Oakland Coliseum.
  2. Look at the picture of the Coliseum.
  3. Drink a glass of Bert’s.
  4. Check my pulse to verify that I am not dead.
  5. Compare the way I am feeling to what the picture of the Coliseum looks like.
  6. Feeling better than what the Coliseum looks like. If so repeat steps 3 – 5.  If you manage to reach the level of feeling like the Oakland Coliseum looks then continue to the next step.
  7. Think to yourself that maybe you should have written down the steps before taking that first glass of Bert’s.
  8. Remember what the next step should be.
  9. Drink another glass of Bert’s because you have started to slip back into feeling better than the Coliseum looks.
  10. Find an all black t-shirt and duct tape to mockup a Raiders jersey.
  11. Now we get to the important part.  Put that jersey on a mannequin (Probably should have listed acquire a mannequin as step one).
  12. Call a friend to drive you and the mannequin out to an empty field since you are obviously way too drunk to drive yourself.
  13. Wait for your friend to arrive, and as calmly as you can explain to them that the mannequin is not really a Raiders fan so they don’t drive off in a huff leaving you on the side of the road next to an obvious Raiders fan.  If needed offer your friend a glass of Bert’s.
  14. Drink a glass of Bert’s while waiting for another friend to arrive to take you, your first friend, and the mannequin out to a remote field somewhere. The next step is very important.
  15. When the second friend pulls up calmly ask them if they brought a gun.  You will need the gun later.  Trust me. (If guns make you nervous, let the monkey hang onto it.)
  16. Explain everything to the second friend before they drive off.
  17. Figure out how to get the mannequin, yourself, and your first friend into the second friend’s 1997 Mitsubishi 3000 GT.  I recommend you and your first friend take the back, and give the mannequin the front seat for a pretty obvious reason.  You are in Chiefs country and you would rather have your second friend beaten to an inch of his life for driving around with a Raiders fan than take the beating yourself.
  18. Change your mind about the location you will be going.
  19. Have your second friend drive to a sports bar.
  20. Take the mannequin and yell as load as you can something about the Raiders and throw the mannequin through the door.
  21. Run into the bar behind the mannequin and join in the melee.
  22. Ask the bartender if they have anything stronger than Bert’s.
  23. Order whatever swill they have even though it isn’t Bert’s for yourself and your two friends.
  24. Realize you didn’t need the gun to begin with.
  25. Call an Uber to take you and your friends (and the monkey, if you brought him and he’s still around.) home.
  26. Once you get home write these steps down and then drink another glass of Bert’s. (Then disarm the monkey, if necessary. For safety’s sake, trade him a glass of Bert’s for the gun.)
  27. Repeat these steps the next day up until the day before game day, but remember to put the acquire a mannequin as step number one (probably should have done that when writing the steps down as required in step number 26 which is now step number 27 which makes this step number 28).

If you follow these steps to the letter, or rather not since step 1 is now step 2 and so on you will soon feel exactly like the Oakland Coliseum looks and be well prepared for game day.

Until next time, the Granddude abides.

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zulu trader
zulu trader
11/30/2019 8:12 am

BHQV Rule # 37, never drink BHQV and drive

11/29/2019 8:20 pm

Look, kids! Here’s how you can tell someone might be a Raiders fan: they pluralize words with apostrophes.

(Apostrophes are never used to pluralize words, whether that’s someone’s name or an acronym, and are only used to indicate possession – Nasrani’s book – or contractions – There’s thievery afoot! Never do you ever make any words plural by adding an apostrophe.)

Reply to  Nasrani
11/29/2019 10:41 pm

So, Chief’s game or Chiefs’ game?
Chiefs game.
All singular.
I’m so confused.
Thank the Lord American is my second language.

Whose name do you possess?
“only used to indicate possession – “

Reply to  legal_kush
11/29/2019 10:53 pm

So that would be
a. Chief is game
b. a game in which the Chiefs play
c. a game owned by Chief

Reply to  legal_kush
11/29/2019 11:08 pm

Or would it?

11/29/2019 4:48 pm

I, for one, am not going to do a google search to see what(fictional) zoos are missing (fictional, damn it!)monkeys, just in case. You never know what careless googling can lead to.

Reply to  BleedingRedAndGold
11/29/2019 8:29 pm

You didn’t hear it from me…

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