Bumped into Saturday Night: NFL History 101 – The Raiders (revised)

 46 replies

Take another dive into NFL history, but use proper hazmat gear, because we’re going…there, this time.

Know thine enemy…

The Oakland Raiders were founded in 1960. No one’s sure where they were found, but it is suspected that it was in a dark, dreary, and very warm place that no one wanted to be. They were even re-founded in 1995. In between, they were on the lam in Los Angeles. Ironically, they were formed as a last-minute addition for the AFL after Minnesota joined the NFL instead of the AFL. Oakland didn’t even ask for a team, but the AFL needed an 8th team, and the Chargers owner threatened to drop out if there wasn’t another West coast team. So we have the Chargers to thank for the mess that followed. They even had a team naming contest, and the winner was the Oakland Señors. There were so many jokes made about the name that it only lasted 9 days, when they changed the name to the 3rd place name, which was the Raiders. This selection was appropriate because the Raiders not being in 1st or 2nd place would make up a large part of their future history…. The team colors were originally black, gold and white. After the 1962 and 1963 seasons, where they went a combined 3-25, including a 19 game losing streak, they decided to drop the overly-optimistic gold color and go with silver. The rumor was that they used this color, so they could use black sweatshirts and duck tape for the uniforms.

This was the time they hired Al Davis to be the coach. He spent 3 years as their coach before becoming the commissioner of the AFL. He only lasted 2 months in that position because the AFL and NFL merged, and he was no longer commissioner. Sounds like my writing career. Now in between jobs, trying to get back into the Raiders organization, money was tight, and he had to resort to cutting his 11-year-old son Mark’s hair himself using a Tupperware bowl and some old scissors.

In 1969, the raiders hired video game developer John Madden as coach. He was known for his fondness of turkey drumsticks, which he often presented to his games MVPs… The rest of the turkeys formed the nucleus of his teams…

A major event occurred in 1972. At the time, Wayne Valley and Ed McGah were the main owners, and Al Davis had just a 10% stake in the team. While Valley took off for a few weeks to see the Munich Olympics, Davis had his attorneys draw up ownership papers giving Davis total control over the Raiders. He managed to talk McGah into signing them, taking over complete control of the team. Valley wasn’t happy when he learned of this, took it to court but lost. The Raiders players weren’t the only ones that played dirty…

This started a period where the Raiders were winning games and BS like that, so we’ll skip this period.

In 1982, Davis moved the team to Los Angeles. They would remain a solid part of the city’s homeless population for the next 12 years, when they would then move back to Oakland. It was around this time that Davis coined the phrase “Just win, baby” signifying putting winning above everything such as rules, sportsmanship and such. This did not go unnoticed by a future Patriots coach, who chose to follow the same principles. His little known version of the saying was “Just deny it, Brady”. The return to Oakland also gave birth to what is known as “the black hole”. The name refers to the area of the stadium that has sucks all useful brain cells out of the individuals residing there, leaving them nothing but an empty shell that basically spills beer, yells vulgarities, and think that dressing like a pro wrestler is a good idea. It is believed they are politicians during the off season.

After some winning seasons, the Raiders come to their glory years. From 2003 to 2009 they had a combined record of 29 wins and 83 losses. They were the first team in history to lose 11 or more games in 7 straight seasons. Trying to end their losing ways, in 2007 they drafted JaMarcus Russell first overall. They found he quickly adapted to the Raiders culture and the losing continued.

In 2010, the Raiders managed an 8-8 record, becoming the first team to sweep their division and not make the playoffs. Coach Tom Cable said, “I finally began to feel that we weren’t losers”. Al Davis fired him for saying that. (Probably because everyone knew they were still losers). In 2011 Al Davis passed away. His son Mark inherited the team and the family Tupperware bowl. However, the Raiders would continue their losing ways.

In 2018, the Raiders hired the renowned Hollywood horror movie star Chucky as their coach. To date, they have failed to win more games in a season than the number of movies their coach made (8). However, they managed to maintain fan interest and excitement with such personnel moves like hiring Television personality Mike Mayock as their new GM. Mayock started his new job with a splash, trading for Antonio Brown from the Steelers. They traded a 3rd and 5th round draft pick for him, but apparently forgot to include his helmet in the trade. Brown arrived at training camp in a hot air balloon. Apparently the over-abundance of hot air in the balloon caused it to raise to a higher elevation than planned, and he got his feet frostbitten. Things went downhill from there.

In 2020, they relocated to Las Vegas. Time will tell if what goes in Vegas stays in Vegas… The Raiders probably won’t. However, they still manage to have strange things happen – In a 2020 game against the Dolphins, the defensive backs coaches were ruled out of the game due to COVID, and GM Mike Mayock filled in as the defensive backs coach. They still lost.

In 2021 the NFL was investigating Washington owner Dan Snyder for various offenses.  While sorting through his emails, they came across several from Gruden that occurred 10 years earlier that vulgarly attacked about every taboo subject possible, including Roger Goodell.  Even though Gruden was working for ESPN at the time, the uproar over the emails were severe enough to get him fired in the midst of the season.  Interestingly enough, we never heard what the emails were from Snyder that prompted Gruden to make the comments he did, and the only words shared were Gruden’s. I enjoy fishing, do it a lot, and something smells fishy here…

To make matters worse, shortly after this, first round pick Henry Ruggs ran into legal trouble and was dismissed from the team.  A couple of weeks later, First round pick Damon Arnette was also dismissed due to legal issues.  While the Raiders traditionally fall apart on the field, this year they chose to also fall apart internally as well.

To summarize, while the Raiders try to provide entertainment to their fans, the reality is that they are more entertaining to the other teams fans. In the last 18 seasons, the Raiders have had 1 winning season – and yet they are the ones that trademarked “Commitment to Excellence”.

[ed note: As an editor, and well-versed in catching homophonic errors (caught one or two prior to this), I really can’t be sure if that word should or should not be more accurately spelled as Excrements. I leave it to you, gentle reader, to decide.]
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WaywerdSon
WaywerdSon(@waywerdson)
11/13/2021 10:20 pm

So Rapistberger gots the ‘Rona

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
11/13/2021 9:12 pm
zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
11/13/2021 9:08 pm

At Chiefs rally in Vegas tonight with gonzangkc11

It’s rockin

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 9:12 pm

🙂

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 9:14 pm

email me pics if you want to share with us.

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 9:23 pm

He just sent a picture looks like a good time I’m freaking jealous.. Nice little birthday present

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  rip58
11/13/2021 10:24 pm

Happy birthday to me

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
11/13/2021 9:05 pm

Do I need to say it . . .

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 9:08 pm

the fuq you talking about?
(also happy B-Day).

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
11/13/2021 9:01 pm
Nasrani
Nasrani(@nasrani)
11/13/2021 9:00 pm
pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  Nasrani
11/13/2021 9:06 pm

you should have an “obscure rock” show on Sirius, or anywhere,

Nasrani
Nasrani(@nasrani)
Reply to  pompano
11/13/2021 9:16 pm

I really should. I have a face for radio, after all.

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
11/13/2021 8:57 pm
EAFOX
EAFOX(@eafox)
11/13/2021 8:51 pm

I know that everyone does not get as psyched up as I do BUT I have just completed simulation number twelve – The Frank Gansz Chiefs were just eliminated, joining four other Chiefs teams – Cassel/Crennel, Cassel/Haley, Edwards/Thigpen, and the 1977 Chiefs – the Wiggin/Bettis team with Livingston at quarterback.

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  EAFOX
11/13/2021 8:55 pm

could have just watched old film.
Real question, were you expecting different results?
Not sure if I understand the exercise.

Last edited 2 months ago by pompano
pompano
pompano(@pompano)
11/13/2021 8:50 pm

bar’s dead tonite, no one will bitch if I play the jukebox…(1/2 the patrons hated this song, so I always played it)

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
11/13/2021 8:05 pm

How confident is everyone? Score predictions? I’m thinking this is our get right game. Chiefs 32-17

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
Reply to  rip58
11/13/2021 8:27 pm
pompano
pompano(@pompano)
Reply to  rip58
11/13/2021 8:43 pm

I don’t do scores, but still at 80% for a win.. If our D shows it goes to 85-90.

Chief-Blinders-On
Chief-Blinders-On(@chiefblinderson)
11/13/2021 7:46 pm

My God. This was fantastic. As opposed to the Raiders. Fuck the Raiders.

Seriously, this was my favorite thing that you’ve ever wrote (that I’ve read). 5 stars times infinity into a black hole.

Chief-Blinders-On
Chief-Blinders-On(@chiefblinderson)
Reply to  Chief-Blinders-On
11/13/2021 8:06 pm

I had to bump this post. If you just commented on this and you didn’t actually read it, take a deep breath and scroll back up and don’t breathe again until you read every word. You owe it to your Chiefs fandom to invest in this material visually. It’ll make you a better human and put hair on your Raider Hatin Chest!

Last edited 2 months ago by Chief-Blinders-On
EAFOX
EAFOX(@eafox)
11/13/2021 5:11 pm

RAIDERS SUCK

pompano
pompano(@pompano)
11/13/2021 4:38 pm

WaywerdSon
WaywerdSon(@waywerdson)
11/13/2021 12:45 pm

comment image

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  WaywerdSon
11/13/2021 3:33 pm

I think you have to be a long time fan in order to appreciate that shirt to it’s fullest

WaywerdSon
WaywerdSon(@waywerdson)
11/13/2021 12:13 pm

comment image

river
river(@river)
11/13/2021 12:05 pm

That was the most entertaining story I’ve ever read. Bravo Hoosierchief!!

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
11/13/2021 11:56 am

Gonzo just landed in Vegas…and he said fuck the raiders….

WaywerdSon
WaywerdSon(@waywerdson)
Reply to  rip58
11/13/2021 12:05 pm

ALWAYS FUCK THE RAIDERS!!! Just make sure you wear a condom when you do that. You dont want none of that to stick to ya.
comment image

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  WaywerdSon
11/13/2021 12:13 pm

That’s hilarious

upamtn
upamtn(@upamtn)
11/13/2021 11:24 am

before the 63 season (I think it was, either before 62 or 63 in the off-season) the Chiefs traded QB Cotton Davidson to Oakland for their next-year’s 1st Round Draft Pick, which ended up being the 1st Overall (for the AFL) and the Chiefs used it to select Buck Buchanon … the very 1st Person of Color to be selected first overall in the draft (AFL or NFL)

thank you for that gift, Al Davis, wherever you are

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  upamtn
11/13/2021 11:37 am

Fuck the raiders

upamtn
upamtn(@upamtn)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 1:56 pm

thank you EVER so much for your enlightened contribution …

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  upamtn
11/13/2021 3:26 pm

No problem.

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 3:26 pm

and if you think your comments are enlightening — you’re fucked up

comment image

Last edited 2 months ago by zulu trader
upamtn
upamtn(@upamtn)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 3:59 pm

well, just like me, that’s YOUR opinion

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
11/13/2021 11:14 am

Excellent…. I fricking hate the raiders, the black hole, the owners, the players, there stupid new stadium..there very existence.. chiefs need a W tomorrow..and take back what is rightfully ours, the AFC west…
GO CHIEFS ……………………….

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  rip58
11/13/2021 11:38 am

Fuck the raiders

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  hoosierchief
11/13/2021 11:58 am

I feel great! 67 years old tomorrow

rip58
rip58(@rip58lovealways)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 12:43 pm

Happy birthday Zulu…

zulu trader
zulu trader(@zulu-trader)
Reply to  hoosierchief
11/13/2021 3:27 pm

that would be the best gift of all

Chief-Blinders-On
Chief-Blinders-On(@chiefblinderson)
Reply to  zulu trader
11/13/2021 8:12 pm

Happy Birthday ZT!

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