Game Prep: Chiefs vs Texans v2.0

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The Dude gets you ready for the game with Bert’s High Quality Vodka

Let’s face it, people.  Last week’s game was brutal.  It was so brutal that I only got about half way through my post game review before I trashed my brand new office and drove a bulldozer through our fiber line for the plant in a fit of rage.  Luckily the fiber had already been destroyed by said bulldozer the day before, and I did not actually drive said bulldozer since there was already a person in it that was much larger than myself.  But I did picture this in my mind.  The destruction of my office was real though.  I threw a pen and it hit the wall with such force that it didn’t even leave a mark.

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Now that we have all that rage out of my system, (I am including you readers in this in case my fit of rage actually did leave a mark on the wall.  This way you are all responsible.) let’s get on to this week’s game prep.

This week we face a team named in honor of the Chiefs’ original name from their Texas days.  This reboot of the Texans has resulted in many noteworthy games between the two teams.  One that immediately comes to mind is the time that we beat them two times in the playoffs.  That was one of the strangest playoffs in recent memory.  I still don’t understand to this day how both teams that would have ended up facing us after our first beat down of the Texans managed to get themselves disqualified.  After that the only option for the NFL was to force a two out of three game elimination between the Chiefs and the Texans.  Of course my memory may be a little rusty on this entire scenario.

But enough with the past.  We have a tough match-up coming our way here.  After all Watson, according to some really stupid people, is so much better than Mahomes.  We all know that this is not true.  Even Watson knows this is not true, which will just make him either play with a chip on his shoulder, or fold up in a fetal position and lay on the field until the refs call the game.

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With this in mind let’s move on to our list of needed supplies for this week’s game prep.

  1.  Six family fun size porker bags of corn chips.
  2. Two one-gallon bottles of Bert’s.
  3. Six dozen Bert’s approved glasses.
  4. One ping pong ball.
  5. One slingshot.
  6. One bottle of salsa.
  7. One extra-large whatever of cottage cheese.
  8. One large bowl.
  9. One medium size bowl.
  10. Eleven friends.
  11. One coin.

I get it.  It’s a short list.  Just shut up about it will you.  Trust me you will really enjoy this.

As your friends arrive pour each one of them a refreshing glass of Bert’s.  They will thank you later.

After everyone has arrived take a quick head count.  This week’s game requires twelve people.  If you’re short a person or two designate a swing player or two that will play for both teams.  If the count is over you can designate the extra people that you obviously didn’t invite over to be the refs.  Explain to those folks that they may make any calls during the upcoming fan prep game that they would like, but their calls will be ignored.  Now that you have everyone sorted out you will need to pick two people to be team captains.  Let them know that you will explain the game and the rules after they have made all their picks.

Now that the team captains have been picked you inform them that their picks will be determined by a roll of the dice.  Since we do not have dice we will use the coin.  Let’s say heads is a one, and tails is a two through six, and that number will be determined by whoever yells out the number first no matter who rolled the coin.  So if you rolled a two through six and were the first to yell out a number you should probably yell six.  Now the opposing captain rolls the coin and it comes up tails you should yell out as fast as you can two.  If you yell it out fast enough you will win since a six is higher than two.  Whoever wins each roll of the fake dice will get to pick until one person hits a total of six players on their team counting themselves.  Once a team reaches six players the other team will get the remaining players, unless you were short then you count the swing players as belonging to both teams.

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Now would probably be a good time to pour everyone another round of Bert’s, and yell out Bert’s race!!!  Drink your Bert’s as fast as possible, slam the glass on the table as carefully as possible and declare yourself the winner.  Pour another round of Bert’s.  This is the point where you get to explain the rules of this week’s fan prep.  This would also be a good time to drag out the bowl of chips and the mix of salsa and cottage cheese that you put together before everyone arrived.  If you did not follow this step you should probably do so now.  While everyone is waiting on you tell them to feel free to pour themselves another glass of Bert’s.

Now you may serve the chips and the salsa cottage cheese dip.  Once you have completed this task you may now explain the rules of this week’s fan prep.  Remember when I said Watson could play with a chip on his shoulder?  This is why you have the chips.  Each player from the two teams will take turns putting one of the chips on their shoulder, and the opposing team will get a chance to knock that chip off using the sling shot, the ping pong ball, and the chimp that you obviously did not return back to the zoo from a previous game prep.

Each team will have to figure out their own method of convincing the chimp to shoot the ping pong ball with the sling shot.  I prefer the method of cheating.  I have had the chimp for a few weeks now and knew that this game was on our calendar so I spent the time training the chimp to follow simple hand gestures and rewarded him for accuracy.  Keep in mind that I should have been the first overall pick of which ever captain picked first.  Or if you are the one hosting the game prep, and followed my method should be their first pick.

The game will be decided by the first team to reach a random number that you can make up.  If your team is losing just come up with a new number.  Keep doing this until you reach the number you made up before the other team.  If you end up in a contest that your team is down by twenty or more points you should probably have a quick conversation with the chimp to make sure the chimp understands that you are not amused, and expect him or her to throw the game if they expect a treat of fresh fruit before you lock him, or her up in their cage for the night.

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Once your chimp understands that you are serious feel free to pour a glass of Bert’s for the chimp as a reward, and continue play.  Once your team has won the game thank everyone in a graceful manner such as pointing at the losing team and telling them that they are a bunch of losers.

If you follow this fan prep to the letter I can say without reservation that we should win this next game.  If we do not win I can say with complete confidence that you screwed this up somehow.  Probably because you didn’t serve enough Bert’s, skimped on training the chimp, wore the wrong socks, or left your lucky underwear in a random alley because you have an issue that needs to be addressed immediately.

Until next time,  The Granddude abides.

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I’ve only ever misplaced a friend’s lucky underwear on a service road, so don’t blame me.
My issue is that I’ve never owned any.


That isn’t nearly enough Bert’s. Taking the liberty of substituting “three gallon” for “one gallon” bottles. I would go with the five gallon containers but don’t have the proper municipal permits to have them and I’m not willing to put in the required nuclear bomb shelter to store it.


One thing about the rules of the game: If they don’t make sense to you, drink a shot of Bert’s and review again. If necessary, repeat until they do make sense.




*Snerk* You win the thread, at minimum. 😉


Maybe if the refs drank some Bert’s before calling the games they might actually start calling the games correctly.