Fan Prep: Chiefs vs Dorian

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The Dude gets you ready for the Chiefs Vs. Jaguars

This is one game that will be difficult to prepare for.  Will it be in Jacksonville, or will it end up being played at some high school in east Texas?  Does Nick Foles have a pet?  If so would he manage to get his pet to safety if need be?  Should I wear my BHQV shirt Saturday, or go with the black AG logo shirt?  Will Mahomes throw six or eight touchdown passes in Sunday’s game?  Will the new look defense look good, or will they look like they are trying to herd cats?  How much Bert’s should I have on hand for the game?

All of these are good questions, and after I finish this glass of Bert’s I will see if I can come up with some answers for you.  Nope, I have nothing.  Let’s double down and have another glass to see if that will knock a few answers down.  It looks like I will be wearing my BHQV shirt Saturday and will need two gallons of Bert’s for the game.  In regard to the defense, they are going up against the Jaguars, but I am going to say they won’t look like they are trying to herd cats.  As far as Nick Foles having a pet, I will have to ask him the next time I run into him.  Muskogee, OK is, after all, a prime destination spot for NFL players to visit after a game.

Of course, we all know the real reason everyone is reading this article.  Everyone wants to know how much Bert’s I will be using in this week’s fan prep, and how much damage I will cause to my property and the surrounding properties.  I was thinking of mixing things up and going with just one gallon of BHQV this week, but decided that would be stupid.  Why go with just one gallon when two will work?

And now the moment you have all been waiting for…  Let’s list and gather the needed supplies for this week’s fan prep.

  1.  One cat.  Preferably one that has the color pattern of a jaguar.
  2. One super large bag of blue glitter (Jaguar blue).
  3. One laser pointer.
  4. One squeaky small toy football.
  5. One two-gallon bottle of Bert’s.
  6. One package of sliced lunch meat (your choice).
  7. One package of sandwich bread.
  8. Condiments of choice.
  9. Two dozen Bert’s approved glasses.
  10. Three friends (you can always invite more if you like and have them all trade out positions as you go along).
  11. Three feet of string.
  12. One roll of duct tape.

First things first…  Pour yourself a nice glass of Bert’s and fix yourself a sandwich.  You will want to have plenty of energy for this fan prep.  I went with the standard wheat sandwich bread, and for the lunch meat I went with ham.  For some odd reason I am going to go with peanut butter as my condiment on this sandwich.  I would not recommend this combination for beginners.  After you have finished your sandwich and glass of Bert’s you will need to invite your friends over.

While you are waiting for your friends you can use the duct tape to make a mini football field in the middle of the room.  If the room is carpeted you could go with some added realism by spray painting your newly created field green, unless you still have that awful green carpet from the seventies that you never got replaced when you first moved into the place.  Feel free to pour each of your friends a glass of Bert’s as they arrive and put them to work on making the mini football field look as authentic as possible.  When all involved are satisfied with the result you can move on to the next step.

Attach the string to the mini football.  I do not recommend staples, screws, or nails.  After ruining three mini footballs I realized that I still had some duct tape left and decided to use it to attach the string.  If you have a larger room than most you may have wanted to go with two or more rolls of duct tape instead of the one that I listed at number twelve on the list.  You will now take the role of referee as you should be the person enforcing the rules in your own house.  Assign one of your friends to be the Jaguars team, another one to be the Chiefs team.  The third friend will be the celebration guy and will be in charge of throwing glitter when the home team does something worthy of a celebration.  Pour everyone another round of Bert’s.

Now we need to go over the rules of this game.  The person picked as the Jaguars will start with the ball on the twenty-five-yard line since we are going to assume the Chiefs won the toss and deferred to the second half.  The cat will represent the Jaguars on the field and the laser pointer will represent the Defense.  We will just have to imagine something on the field that will represent the Chiefs since we don’t have any friends that are the same size as the cat.  The job of the person on offense is to get the cat to knock the ball down the field.  They may do this by wiggling the ball a little bit to get the cats attention.  Once play has begun the Chiefs defense may try and distract the cat away from the ball by using the laser pointer.  If the cat goes after the pointer this will be one down for no gain.  If the cat nudges the ball before the defender distracts the cat that will be marked off by the referee and be regular down and distance type of play.  The offense has four downs to gain a first down.  If they do not make a first down the ball will be turned over to the Chiefs, and the laser pointer of defense will be handed to the Jaguars.  If the Jaguars manage to drive the ball down the field and score a touchdown the glitter person may throw a handful of glitter into the air.

Say the Chiefs stop the Jaguars, they will get the ball at the twenty-yard line.  They will now try and get the ball down the field while the defense tries to get the cat to stop the ball using the laser pointer.  Down and distance rules apply here as well.  If the Chiefs manage to score a touchdown the glitter guy will not throw glitter as they are not the home team.  Each quarter should be timed at about five minutes since cats tend to get bored sometimes and wander off.  If this happens just pour you and your friends a glass of Bert’s and wait for the cat to return.  If the cat does not return within a reasonable amount of time you may need to go look for it.

Now that we have established the rules, let’s play football.  As the game goes along you may realize that including glitter was probably a bad idea.  That stuff hangs around forever and seems to multiply overnight.  You will by half time either have your entire house covered with glitter and will have glitter in odd places on your person for the foreseeable future or not, due to your friend that you assigned as the Jaguars being so pathetic at wiggling a ball or pointing a laser that nothing of consequence happened during the first half of play.  People at your job may point this out to you over the course of the next five or six years. Seriously, glitter’s the herpes of the crafting world.

One thing that you do not want to forget to do is to hydrate with Bert’s between each quarter during this game.  If your friends are of a competitive nature each will want to win and could lead to them overexerting themselves without paying attention to their fluid intake.  If you notice any of your friends’ lack of fluid intake during this intense competition it will fall upon you as the host to pour another glass of Bert’s for all involved and make sure they drink it all.

If you follow this plan to the letter you will guarantee a Chiefs win, or at the very least many happy years of a house infested with glitter.  If the glitter-infested house is your fate you could always try to join the Fae at the KC Renfest.  You will just need a pair of fairy wings and a roll in the carpet to look the part.

Until next time, the Granddude Abides.

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To properly simulate the Chiefs offense their football should be filled with catnip.


I have enough supplies to last for 1 quarter but I’m worried the game is going to last more than that. Should I quadruple my supplies?


You’ve just described my plans for the day down to the exact detail. It must be some kind of collective consciousness brought on by enjoying Bert’s.


Who needs ayahausca……Is Bert’s made from plants containing DMT?


Isn’t Dorian terrorizing Newfoundland about now?
Wait, Alabama?


Roll Tide?


Pro tip, make way more ice than you think you will need.
And more luch meat if available.
Also 2 more cats, 1 can be inactive