Fan Prep: Chiefs vs Niners.

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The legend of Bert’s High Quality Vodka lives on! Drink some and get ready for the game with the Dude!

This is going to be a tough one for me to pull off since the Niners are my NFC team.  I grew up in Northern California and went to Sierra College which was the summer home of the 49ers.  I used to go to the locker room while the team was preparing to start practice using the deceptive practice of telling the security that I needed to speak with the wrestling coach.  I was able to meet all the greats that played for them on those 80’s teams.

With that being said the Niners have not really been relevant as a team for a couple of decades now.  This doesn’t mean that as fans of the Chiefs we can just slack off here.  If we as fans decide to just phone this one in what sort of message are we sending to the players?  We as fans should really start to step it up for this one.  Send those bottom of the roster guys a message that we are pulling for them, and they really should step it up themselves if they don’t want to play in either the XFL or Canada.

So.  How do we as fans prepare for this game properly?  How do we prepare in such a way that it will clearly send a message to, not just the bottom of the roster guys, but all of these players?  We all know what step one is going to be.  Every one of you is sure step one of the needed supplies will be Bert’s.  I could very well fool you though and leave Bert’s until the very end of the supplies list, or slip it in at number two, or even somewhere in the middle of the list.  This alone should get you going.  You should now be wondering to yourself, where will he list Bert’s?  Will he even list Bert’s?  If he doesn’t list Bert’s what does it all mean?  Why the hell didn’t he list Bert’s?

With these thoughts rattling around in your head let’s move on to our list of needed supplies.  But first, let’s all show our appreciation that a product such as Bert’s even exists and raise a glass to show said appreciation.  You can drink said glass now.  I would recommend lowering the glass to at least a normal drinking level or you might miss trying to pour said drink into your mouth and could ruin your clothes, your shoes, the floor, and anything the Bert’s may splash on.

Enough on that.  Let us start our preparation by gathering the needed items.

  1. Two dozen or so Bert’s approved glasses.
  2. One bone in ham.
  3. One Kansas City Chiefs Montana jersey (If one is not available you may make one with a red t-shirt and masking tape).
  4. One two-gallon bottle of Bert’s (See.  I changed it up on you).
  5. One paint brush.
  6. One foil pan (needed to put the ham in).
  7. One stick about two feet long.
  8. One knife.
  9. One rubber mallet.
  10. One fire extinguisher.
  11. One loaf of wheat bread.

Now that we have gathered everything we will need for this week’s preparation for this game here’s a fun thing to try.  Find a large flat concrete surface, hold the rubber mallet as you normally would and start walking across said large flat surface.  As you walk across the surface see if you can bounce the rubber mallet in a way that it will bounce back and allow you a chance to grab it again.  Once you have mastered the single bounce you can try to move on to more advanced maneuvers such as the forward and backward flip bounce where the mallet does either a full forward or backward rotation before you catch it again.  Chicks dig this type of thing and will gather around to watch in awe as you perform these tricks.  The best I have ever done is the front triple flip followed by a backwards double flip into a flat bounce where the position of the handle stays in the same position for the entire bounce (this is much tougher than you would think).

If you have mastered the bouncing rubber mallet feel free to pour yourself a glass of Bert’s and drink it on down.  However, if you only managed to bounce the rubber mallet into your face, giving you a bloody nose and a fat lip feel free to pour yourself a glass of Bert’s to ease the pain.  Now that we have all attempted to master the art of walking while bouncing a rubber mallet we can move on to the actual preparation for this game.

First you will want to don the Chiefs Montana jersey.  If you happen to have one that is game worn and signed I am sorry to tell you that it is ruined now due to any stains and the unsightly ink from the signature.  Feel free to get rid of that jersey by sending it to me.  If you do this instead of just throwing it away I will in return send you a pamphlet on safety precautions to take with Bert’s.  At least you will now have something that you can now use, and has some value to it at least.

Now that we have our jersey on let’s put that ham in the foil pan.  Pour yourself a glass of Bert’s and drink it on down.  Now pour another glass of Bert’s and grab that paint brush.  Using the paint brush liberally coat the ham with the Bert’s.  If you have any left over feel free to drink it.  Before you do this however you must preheat your oven to 402 degrees.  I probably should have added that an oven would be required.  Since you ended up doing the preparation in the order it was written you may throw away the ham and the melting foil pan in a Bert’s approved receptacle.  You may have notice that the surface of the ham is starting to bubble.  We call that pre baking.

Go back to the store and get yourself another bone in ham as well as a few foil pans this time.

Once you get back to the house you may need to dispose of a few of the used Bert’s approved glasses.  Do so using the Bert’s approved receptacle. Pour yourself another glass of Bert’s and do what you do with Bert’s.  After you finish off that glass of Bert’s you can now put the new ham in the foil pan, pour a glass of Bert’s and use that to liberally baste that ham.  Now that the oven has been pre heated to the proper temperature put the foil pan with the ham in it into the oven.

Now run to get that fire extinguisher and run back to the oven as fast as possible.  If you see any flames coming out of the stove you will probably need the stick.  So, run back to get the stick and head back to the stove.  Using the stick push the oven door so it is mostly closed so as to not ruin the ham while you spray the outside of the oven down with the fire extinguisher.  You may need to have two fire extinguishers, but since I listed just one that is what we will have to use.  Now that the outside of the stove is no longer on fire feel free to eat a piece of that wheat bread.  I recommend pouring a glass of Bert’s and dipping it in the Bert’s first.

Let the ham cook for the next seven hours or so.  You may need to repeat the stick-fire extinguisher maneuver a few times during the cooking process.  Once the time goes off remove the ham from the oven.  You will want a pair of oven mits for this, and I should probably go back and add those to the list.  I figure that if you have a stove you already have a pair, or you have never actually used the stove so I will not add them to the list.

Place the ham, and what remains of the foil pan in another foil pan on your counter.  Get the knife and the rubber mallet and start chiseling away at the charcoal mass until you hit what to you looks like good ham.  If you get all the way to the bone do not be discouraged.  It took me a few tries to perfect my cooking technique as well.  Once you do master this you will thank me for showing you how to cook the perfect ham.  Feel free to have a glass or two of Bert’s with any ham you may have found.  Continue to drink Bert’s until game time and I can guarantee you that you will be as ready for this game as you would ever be. Until next time, the Granddue abides.

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zulu trader
zulu trader

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BHQV remorse?


Believe me, with all due respect to you………….FUCK the niners!
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i just drank a whole shitload of caronas, millers, and some stinky shit so please excuse my comment.
no BHQV around so I had to slum it.
I’mm almost 69 so gimme a break, thank you.

zulu trader
zulu trader

up’d for 69


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Bert’s ham vs. rum ham


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Important, do not deviate from the recipie and attempt a brown sugar and Bet’s glaze unless you still have the hazmat suit from prior preps.


Sierra College? I spent a couple years on the other side of Sacramento in Davis. Passed through Rocklin all the time on my way to and from Tahoe.


If I don’t have a Montana jersey, will Smith work? And can I substitute the wheat bread for more Berts?


very nice, except its all gone