Fan Prep: Chiefs vs The Soulless Gingers.

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Dude gets you prepped for the game.

This!  This is where it all begins.  The first real preseason game for the Chiefs.  This game will showcase a great many players that at the start of the season will not be on the team.  Some of these players may even be training camp fan crushes.  We as fans need to prepare for that.  We as fans also need to prepare for a real football game.  A game where every play call will be vanilla.  A game where many of us, even the most diehard fan will be bored out of our mind come the second half.

The stats and tape guys on the other hand will probably love this upcoming game and start rolling out articles about the seventh string left guard, and how he made a case to be on the team.  They will show you clips from plays where said player made a great block against the other teams eighth string defensive tackle and how that will affect the coaches decision making on whether said player should be on the team, or be tossed aside like he is a seventh string player.  With that in mind, pour yourself a glass of Bert’s, drink it down, and get ready to prepare as a fan properly for this upcoming game.

This game will be decided by the coach that decides to leave the entire starting line up through the first three quarters.  Code Red (New nickname for Reid) will more than likely pull all starters after three plays on offense and defense.  The soulless gingers head coach on the other hand will want to dominate against the reigning MVP and may throw a kitchen sink onto the field at some point during the game.  If the Chiefs end up losing this game said coach will point to the sink and tell everyone that this was the moment they knew they could beat the Chiefs.  Code Red on the other hand will tell the press that the sink didn’t matter since the opposing team threw the sink out on the field during the third quarter while the Chiefs tenth string players were on the field facing the Bungles second string guys.

With that in mind let’s get ready as fans of the greatest team on the face of this huge ball that some of us call home.  Those of you that do not call this global chunk floating in space home are either delusional or are planning on taking over at some near point in the future.  If the latter is true for you have a couple glasses of Bert’s.  If you melt you may or may not be human.  No one is sure.  What is known as a fact is that anyone that can drink more than seven entire glasses of Bert’s in under an hour is drunker than I am.

With all that said…  Lettuce move on to the fan prep (Ha!!!  Grandpa jokes).  For this first pre season game for the Chiefs we will need the following.

  1. Duh.  Bert’s (2 gallons should be more than enough, unless you invite a friend over).
  2. One cardboard cutout of a soulless ginger type person (preferably male since soulless ginger guy is a male, and things could get really weird if you had a soulless ginger cardboard cutout woman in your house.  Looking at you Tony).
  3. One Bengal tiger (small stuffed toy variety, not a real one.  Safety first people).
  4. One two-person kayak (I don’t even know if this is a thing).
  5. One blow torch (Screw safety).
  6. Three drywall screws.
  7. One monkey (real, not of the stuffed toy variety (No, a friend dressed as a monkey does not count)).
  8. One small bag of popcorn.
  9. One layer cake (your choice of flavors/colors, and amount of layers).

Now that you have gathered everything you will need to prep for this game you will need to add to the list about two dozen Bert’s approved glasses.  I probably should have added them to the list of items myself, but since we haven’t actually started the fan prep stage, I figured we would still be good.  With that said let’s move on to the actual preparation for this game.

And here we go.  The first two items we will need are the monkey, and the stuffed tiger.  For this to work properly we will need to get the monkey properly riled up.  I recommend a nice glass of Bert’s.  You can pour a glass for the monkey as well if you are so inclined, but this (fair warning here) may get the monkey a little more riled than you can handle.  Feel free to drink your glass of Bert’s at any time.

Now place the monkey in the back seat of the kayak, the layer cake should be placed right in front of the monkey.  We don’t at this time need the stuffed tiger, so the first two items you actually needed were the kayak and the monkey, and the cake.  So that would be the first three items you needed, not two as stated in the prior paragraph.  I also incorrectly stated that you would need the stuffed tiger at that time as well.  If any of the editors feel like they need to clean this up, please don’t.  It was all making perfect sense to me up until the time I changed everything, and if any editorial changes are made none of this will make any sense at all.

Now that we have the monkey properly situated in the kayak and the cake placed in the correct position we can move on to the next phase.  I was thinking that this was the phase where the stuffed tiger would come in, but I was wrong.  The next item will be that soulless ginger cutout.  Place this in front of the kayak in such a manner that it will appear to be staring at the monkey.  This should be enough to get the monkey properly riled up.  You will at this point probably have to figure out a way to get the monkey to quit throwing cake at the cardboard cutout.  Since I couldn’t manage to do this I will need to get another layer cake.  I am going to go with chocolate, and three layers.  Just to be different I will also go with a strawberry icing.  Set the new cake to the side.  Apparently, the cake was not one of the first three items needed, as I found out.  You can add the cake at any time after the first two steps.  After cleaning the cake from the front of the kayak, and the cardboard cutout pour yourself another glass of Bert’s.  If the monkey wants one at this time I would recommend you give the monkey a glass of Bert’s as well since he seems to be pretty riled up over the soulless ginger thing as well as my taking the cake away.

Now comes the part that includes the stuffed tiger.  Place the stuffed tiger in the front seat of the kayak and screw the tiger in place using the three screws I listed.  It is at this point that I realized that we don’t need the blow torch but will need a screwdriver.  So, on your list of items go ahead and scratch out the blow torch and add one screwdriver.  You could use an electric one, but I do not recommend it since the monkey is now really riled up and will more than likely throw his half empty glass of Bert’s at you at which point you will need to run to the bathroom to clean up before you and all of the clothes you are wearing start to melt.

Now comes the difficult part.  Once I returned from the bathroom all cleaned up and wearing a new set of clothes you will need to clean up any item that has melted from the monkey wasting the Bert’s in his fit of rage.  To do this you will need a few Bert’s approved containers to put all the melted items into.  So the front half of the kayak, the remains of the stuffed tiger, and the cardboard cutout will all need to go into the Bert’s approved container.  You can also throw any rags you used into the Bert’s approved container as well.  It will be at this point you will realize, as I did that things may have gotten a little out of hand.

When the realization that things went south quick, I decided that we could just finish up by letting the monkey do as he pleases since he is now wary of Bert’s you will not need to worry about keeping him away from said Bert’s.  You can now pour yourself another glass of Bert’s, unless the glass you have been using is starting to melt.  If so, replace said glass with another Bert’s approved glass and pour yourself a drink.  Finish that drink and pour yourself another.

Now that we are properly prepared for this game you can pat yourself on the back for not destroying your entire house during your preparation for this game.  I would not recommend telling anyone else what you did though as I found out the hard way that there appear to be laws in regards to letting monkeys drink.  There also appear to be laws in regards to taking monkeys from the zoo without permission.  Once I found out about those laws I didn’t push the matter to find out if I had broken any more laws.  You may also want to return the monkey to wherever you may have picked up that monkey.  Make sure you do not get caught returning the monkey as you will then be facing possible jail time if you managed to not get caught before this stage.

So now that we are, as fans properly prepared for this game we can sit back knowing that we did all that is humanly possible as fans to get in the right state of mind to watch our sixth and seventh string player take the field.

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upamtnKCChefstjoechiefpompanoMidKan Chiefs Lifer Recent comment authors
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upamtn

I’m still … I dunno, I just can’t get “into” reseason games … it’s practice, I mean just pure phuquing practice featuring 3rd and 4th and 8th stringers (“I’m sorry, we simply can’t afford to carry 12 return specialists, we’re going to have to cut you”) in a totally meaningless “game” that serves primarily to steal money from the poor (yeah, that’s you with the season tickets) and sell advertising spots

ok, I’m done ranting, have a great one and Geaux Royals … ummm Chefs … wait, Chiefs, yeah … that’s the ticket!

upamtn

you’re beautiful, man

stjoechief

While doing the fan prep on my patio a Japanese beetle flew headlong into my glass of Bert’s. It immediately combusted, causing me to reflexively throw the glass of burning Bert’s into the kayak, which, of course, promptly melted. So now I’m munching on the popcorn watching the monkey run in circles screeching. Fan prep is hard.

Is the secret of the Patriots’ success actually the fact that Boston is one big Bert’s approved container, thus making their fan prep easier?

pompano
pompano

Playoff prep is going to rival D-day at this rate.

MidKan Chiefs Lifer
MidKan Chiefs Lifer

I feel as if I’m failing at the fan prep today. At least I read about it that’s a step in the right direction.

I decided to buy some of the Kingdom blonde ale. It’s not great (not terrible either) and I’m going to blame that on whoever in the hell decided to outsource the making of the Kingdom ale to a freaking Los Angeles brewery. There are several in the area that could have done a great job and it would have seemed to be more appropriate to have a Chiefs beef made in MO or KS, hell even NE or IA would be acceptable.
Either way if somehow me drinking an okay beer from the home of the San Angeles Chargers and St Angeles Rams helps the Chiefs to a win I’m up for it any time.

Tony Sommer

I had no idea watching a Chiefs game required so much work. To think all these years I was just laying on the couch in my underwear eating popcorn off my stomach like an otter.