So. For this game I followed my fan prep guide as can be read here. I have everything I need to watch the Puppy Bowl within arm’s reach. It was about this moment I realized I was supposed to be watching the Toilet Bowl game between the LA Agenda and the Not Chiefs. Let me tell you. After this game I am not even angry about missing the Puppy Bowl. Thanks AG. I was counting on you to post the how to watch game thread (I slept in due to a lack of interest).
After my disappointment of missing the Puppy Bowl. A game I have been looking forward to for the last couple of hours I threw on my usual non-interest game attire. It usually consists of one of my four suits with a power tie, but this week I decided to mix things up and wore my Stewart Plaid Kilt with a grey sports jacket and a red paisley tie. I wore the kilt in the traditional manner which apparently excited the neighbors whenever there was a breeze. Just picture that Marilyn Monroe picture, but with dangly bits. Add in a beard, and glasses and exchange Marilyn for an old guy and you will have the picture.
The game starts off well. The coin toss holds even more excitement for me now due to the fact that if not for a bad coin toss by the refs the game would have been the Chiefs versus the LA Agenda. So. The coin toss. It went up into the air, spinning end over end. I hold my breath waiting for it to land. It was at that point that I heard the oldest grandchild calling for my attention. So being the person I am I yelled at him “Grandpa’s trying to watch the game!!!” Due to that I completely missed the outcome of the coin toss. Sigh. So I ask the oldest grandchild what he needed so badly to interrupt the game. His reply was “Why aren’t the Chiefs playing? Just leave it up to children to remind me that the greatest team in the entire history of man kind is not playing this week due to a mistake by the guy who wants to get paid.
I should have at that point made him go out to the front yard and clean up all the dog do do. I could have then spread it all along the side of his bed so he had a nice surprise to step into in the morning. That might have taught him about the emotions I was going through having to watch this offensive hell hole of a game. I of course restrained myself of that impulse and just duct taped him to a door.
Now I have missed about half of the first quarter. Apparently, I didn’t miss much. If any of you suffered through that first quarter let me just recap it for you. Rams 0 – Patriots 0. So much for high powered offenses. The entire first quarter consisted mostly of oops. There was one screw up after another. During the entire second half of the first quarter I managed to drink one quarter of a gallon of BHQV, melt a glass, and ruin a perfectly good coffee table that I still have not been reimbursed for from my very first writing assignment for this fine blog (Tony. Where do I need to send these receipts?).
As we have already stated. Not much happened in the first quarter. Let’s move on to the second quarter. This quarter was much more exciting. I went outside to smoke a crayon and the wind picked up. The neighbor lady gave me a rousing applause when the kilt lifted. So I know of at least one person that enjoyed the game tonight, even though she wasn’t technically watching the game. After giving the neighbor lady a show and finishing off my crayon I went back inside to see that the score was now 0 – 3 in favor of the Not Chiefs. From there the game just went downhill.
Let’s break for half time. If you thought the game was bad, you should have watched the half time show. It was about as bad as one could expect. It couldn’t have been any worse if they picked a super group consisting of Weezer and Nickleback had been picked up to sing Frank Sinatra classics as composed by Winger. I at one point contemplated pulling out my hand gun and shooting myself in the foot. That would have probably been a good decision on my part if I had known how the second half would carry out.
The second half started off with a bang. And by bang I mean that not a whole lot happened. The Agenda managed to put together an amazing drive that culminated in a seven-touchdown play putting the Agenda up by eighteen points. Sorry. Wrong game. Nothing happened in the third quarter except a field goal for the Agenda. Whooo!!! Amazing game so far.
Now we are getting to the meat of any game at any time of any season. It’s the fourth quarter. Both teams are going for the win, and by going for the win I mean they are playing as bad as they have the entire game. There was body blow after body blow followed by a wild round house to the jaw. Sorry. I was watching an old DVR’d UFC fight. Not a whole lot happened until the Not Chiefs pulled off a touchdown drive and put this game away with forty seven minutes left. Screw it. I’m going to go out back and drink some more Bert’s and smoke a crayon or two.
Until next time, the granddude abides.