What About Bob?

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A fanpost by Dave Friedman:

Bold statements require bold proof – otherwise they become a bold-faced assumption. Or conjecture. Or just a really bad subjectively concocted conspiracy theory. In this particular case, it’s likely all three, but the subject at hand does bear the question: is Bob Sutton sabotaging the Chiefs defense?

Let’s take a look at Sutton’s body of work thus far this season: League worst defensive unit? Check. Incorrectly utilizing his star players to their strengths? Check. Allowing multiple fourth-quarter leads to vanish quicker than Mel Gibson’s invitation to his neighbor’s Bar Mitzvah? Check.

Keep in mind that the roughly 103-year-old defensive coordinator for the Chiefs came here from a stint with the New York Jets. The connection? There is none, but truly try and think of anything positive to come out of that organization in the last decade besides hilarious Mark Sanchez memes. Sutton’s defensive schemes are basically the equivalent of Care Bears-loving flower-power children when compared to mentor Rex Ryan’s hyper aggressive star studded remake of “Mad Max.” His reluctance to adjust his approach in-game reeks of secretly placing bets on the “over” when playing any team with a decent offense.

Need more evidence? My extensive connections around the league allow me to gather quality insight from insiders in almost every organization. When asked if Bob Sutton was actually a mole planted by a perennially contending team sent to destroy the Kansas City defense from the inside out, one anonymous source had this to say:

“Uh, sure, I guess? Why did you want me to say that so bad? Is that a tape recorder?” – definitely not my buddy Carl.

A quick look around the city is another clue as to how much Sutton supposedly “cares” about his community. Just take a drive down any major highway and you’ll see billboards with Patrick Mahomes, Justin Houston, Travis Kelce, and even some out-of-touch stores that don’t understand football and still have posters and signs promoting Jamaal Charles. Guess who is suspiciously absent from these morale-building and uplifting paragons of excitement? Bob Sutton.

The final indicator that our current defensive coordinator is coordinating something else entirely is his unwillingness to play Eric Berry. The star safety has endured ACL tears, a former Achilles injury, freaking cancer, and the Jack Lemmon-look alike coach of the defense wants us to believe he’s hobbled from a heel injury for fourteen games? Highly unlikely. What’s more likely are the drunken ramblings of my unemployed next door neighbor who claims he saw ol’ “Social Security Sutton” shaking hands with Bill Belichick outside of Rally House in Overland Park. Think about who you trust here: the coach who insisted on keeping his game-changing starting safety on the bench, or Steve, who only once had to be helped back up into his seat during our conversation.

Nothing is for certain in this world except for taxes and the fact that Daft Punk actually sucks, but this investigation has been damning up to this point. Time will tell if Sutton is truly being paid to pull a Nancy Carrigan on the Chiefs defense, or if he is simply a bumbling oaf who wandered into his job much the same way as Michael Cera somehow walked into an acting gig. If the Chiefs lose another playoff game in heartbreaking, defensive-meltdown fashion, with Chris Jones and Justin Houston trying to bracket Antonio Brown thirty yards downfield, then we will know.

We will know.